Starting A Gratitude Journal

I have seen mention of 'gratitude journals' around online (mostly in artsy parts of Pinterest) and whilst the thought of dedicating a journal to that seems a bit ambitious and strange, I feel drawn to the idea because I'm really into the concept of purposefully altering your perceptions to make yourself the most happy and fulfilled person you can be within different contexts. Since being a sad and anxious person and watching that change over time through various realisations and shifts both gradual and sudden, I know that the power of changing your mind can be immense. Obviously sometimes it's a situation that needs to be changed, not a perception, but with a lot of problems trying to do something about the way you think and respond can help.

That's why I wanted to try out the whole gratitude journal thing. I think selfishness, self-pitying, and self-imposed misery is hard to measure. I don't think I personally can gauge whether or not I'm a selfish person. Maybe everyone is selfish on some level. Maybe I am exactly 47% selfish. I don't know. I do think I'm a pretty positive person, but I also think there are pockets of pessimism in specific areas that maybe I should examine. And hey, sometimes selfishness and pessimism are good things, so I don't want to weed out any semblance of humanity in me or punish myself for ever feeling a negative emotion, but I want to just see if keeping a gratitude journal helps me in any way. Maybe it can encourage me to focus more on the positive aspects of unpleasant situations. Maybe it can help me to be a more emotionally durable person. Maybe it will just make me think about cute puppies a little bit more.

I'm not going to analyse everything to within an inch of its life. I don't want to go too far in the direction of self-scrutiny. Right now I am just vaguely wondering some things. Am I too self-punishing? Am I honest enough with myself? What do I even understand about my own ways of processing emotions? Is it unhealthy to be so interested in this kind of mindfulness and self-improvement and stuff?

I think for the last few years I have thought of myself as 'a happy person'. I'm not sure when and why I decided to apply that label to myself, but I don't think it was an honest one. I'm not saying I'm a sad person. I don't think, really, that I'm a happy or a sad person. I am a person who feels different things (e.g. mild yet magical interest in carrot cake, delight upon being immersed in fog). I think there was some naivety and a desire to be in some way impressive behind the choice to think of myself as 'a happy person'. I am happy/content a lot, but it's a simplification. It's an assertion that presents me in a certain way. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's context-dependent too, I suppose.

***

So in order to actually start this thing, I read some advice here. I'm not sure how often I'll aim to do this, but I want it to feel purposeful when I do. I want to focus on it properly, so I'll just try to do it whenever it feels natural.

Here's my first entry:

:-)

Blobs

Blobs! In a fit of artistic restlessness I made some. They are beautiful. They are my children.

I like the way the paint colours bleed into each other, sorta like how life bleeds into life. I mean, all your life experiences blend together to make you, so even the ugly parts get warped into something new. Something like that. Not that blobs have lives or personalities, but y'know (no offence to any blobs out there reading my blog).

I like that blobs and colours and shapes can be metaphors for all sorts of things, though. Blobs can be anything you want. They're really pretty great and I think we should all be thanking them. So on behalf of people everywhere, thanks blobs. I appreciate you.

One day perhaps technology will have advanced so that I, too, can become a beautiful and soothing blob. Until then, I will just have to make them instead.

Make-Up Journal: Shunning Precision

I've been wearing more make up lately, which is very unusual for a no-make-up Nigel like me, but uh, I've been trying out BB Cream (I like it, makes me look like I have actually got some melanin and am not a ghost - although I like the ghost skin look) and I finally 'get' mascara. I've heard so many people say that if they were to only wear one make up item it would be mascara, and I finally understand why. The important factor, for me, about mascara, is that I don't care if I ruin it. It's easy to rub off my skin without looking in a mirror if I need to. Mascara is a small thing that I don't feel concerned about screwing up, but it's also a fun movement to do (unless you poke yourself in the eye - that is a bad and very not fun movement).

I think make-up should and can be a fun thing, not a laborious and self-conscious process. I don't think I've ever been a very precise person. I prefer to make wobbly or sweeping art. I'm not symmetrical anyway (is anyone?) so I don't really want to agonise over perfectly symmetrical make-up. Some make-up products are better than others for an avoider of precision like me. Mascara is good because I just roughly do the same thing for each eye and that's fine. Face primer/foundation type things are okay because I just rub them into my whole face until it looks even. Blush is problematic, eyeshadow is variable, and eyeliner is an impossibility that was obviously designed specifically to annoy me. Lip stuff I generally have no problem with. Lipstick was my main make-up item and the one thing I was into for a while, but now mascara feels the easiest and might be my favourite. I mean, mascara doesn't come off when I drink something, so that's an instant one-up.

I kinda worry that wearing more make-up will just make me nervous and self-conscious and weird about it, because I know that's such an easy trap to fall into. I definitely notice myself feeling a little bit uncomfortable with some things as I try them out, but that's okay, because I notice it and don't do the thing that made me feel uncomfortable again. Or I try it a different way. Sometimes I can't stand the feeling of certain things, and if I feel that way I just don't use that thing that day. As long as I can notice and respond to things like that and prioritise my comfort, I'm doing fine.

I came across Juno Calypso's photo series on beauty rituals (warning for nudity at the link) and it acted as another push to remind myself to keep monitoring how I use and react to wearing make-up. Her photos are so interesting and I like the way they combine pretty colours, weird cosmetic devices, and the depiction of meticulous body preparation routines.

Diary: New Year, New Diary & New Pens

I started my new diary for 2016, of course, and it is a perfect and beautiful thing. The page quality is definitely better than my 2015 diary, which is nice. Hopefully I can avoid the dreaded felt tip pen bleed that I had to deal with all the way through the past year. Not that it was really a problem, it just meant I had to be a bit more careful with pens and use collage a bit more. That made me a bit more creative in a way, but it's undeniably nice not to have to think about it at all, and to be able to colour stuff in more recklessly (call the police on me, I'm so bad and dangerous!).

I'm not feeling too reflective, probably because I'm already excessively reflective (I'm basically a mirror), but I have kinda been wondering what's going to happen this year. Let's ignore that bizarre urge to know the future though, because I don't have a crystal ball and if I did I would probably smash it or draw a face on it and give it a name. Peter. Peter the crystal ball. And his face would look at me disappointedly if I ever thought about using him to divine future events.

The most important thing that I can extract from the year-time is that I am OK. I'm alright, me. I am adequate. I still have legs. I have recently increased the number of pens in my possession. Watch as I gradually deplete them one by one. That's my main goal!

Cool Body Parts: Hands

Hands. Grippers. Grabbies. Clamps. Mitts. Paws. Those useful spindly claw digits which allow us to write delicate swear words on toilet cubicle doors and hold babies (at the same time if you're in a hurry). They're quite good, aren't they? I feel like if I was to become a sentient single body part, I would probably be a hand on preference. Like Thing from The Addams Family. He did alright.

I'm sorry if you lack hands by the way. There are other very cool body parts and I don't mean to put the humble hand on a pedestal. I would never seriously claim that one body part was the absolute best one, I just want to appreciate hands right now because I find them magical, but I pretty much find every biological structure uniquely amazing. And I'm also sorry if I just go on about hands too much and it's annoying. Please don't shout "calm down, hand lover" in the street if you see me. I'd prefer if you'd adopt the term "freakazoid" which I was called in middle school and found really cutesy and funny as an insult.

Back to hands - I don't know man, I just like the way they move and interact and hold things. I like how they make things as if I don't have a brain at all and they're just doing stuff on their own while I'm thinking about boybands. One thing I've always found weird though, is nail polish. I mean, I wear it sometimes, but I'm always struck by the concept of nail polish as if I am an alien just hearing about Tamagotchis and Top Gear for the first time. Imagine if there was a Top Gear branded Tamagotchi where you could hatch Richard Hammond out of an egg (I would buy it).

In summary, hands are totally cool and they're probably the next major fashion trend.

Journal: Scented Felt Tips

I got some scented felt tips for Christmas, so obviously I'm very pleased and delighted with life. Except that the orange one smells awful. So I guess that's whatever the opposite of a silver lining is. I will just have to bravely cope with this tragedy.

I am continuing with my 'filling up a notebook a.s.a.p.' project, but already it has become a leisurely stroll rather than a sprint. Or maybe it just feels more leisurely. Either way, doodling alongside a movie is the way to go.

Now that I have approximately one million notebooks, I kinda feel that their presence is implicitly encouraging me to draw more and be more reckless with them and splatter paint all over everything and, I don't know, stick crisp packets into them or something. It makes me want to do everything. It makes me look at everything as if it's a potential collage or drawing possibility.

I guess wanting to make as many drawings as possible every day is a good way to start the new year.

Blancmange & Suspenders

Man it sure is a good trick to put on a big t-shirt with enough space inside to manoeuvre a spaceship and then to put a skater skirt over the top to contain the great mass of t-shirt so that any spaceships you are keeping there stay hidden from the outside world. It's my favourite.

I'm wearing my Blancmange t-shirt because I love to toot the Blancmange horn all day and night, and my New Look skater skirt with suspenders. It is my goal to obtain more clothing with suspenders, because they are so cute and good. They probably make me feel like a girl in a Studio Ghibli film more than anything else.

The appropriate formation for my hair, of course, is a high ponytail. For swishy, bouncy, playful hair that doesn't get in your way when you are hogging the swings. It collapsed on itself a little bit, but that's okay.