For Women Who Can't Face Leaving

TikTok likes to latch onto things. It dumps me into little niches so quickly and transparently that I am always fascinated by its new assigned interest. Some of these end up being short lived—a particular song that keeps coming up for a while, or a particular creator who makes approx. five thousand of the same video of them doing a particular move—but others are cyclical topics that keep returning to me. Maybe there's some genuine allure to these, something about them that makes me linger. I don't know.

Lately, I've noticed one of those old topics rearing its head again—the miserable girlfriend type video. This has been a longstanding thing, and I'll explain it briefly so it's clear exactly what I'm talking about. These are videos in which a woman vents about how she'll never feel the same about her boyfriend after a betrayal, or weeps openly behind some devastating text about what a man did to her. Often, these are videos made by someone who is very much still in the relationship that is causing them so much pain, grasping for strangers to relate to. And the comments, often, deliver, filling up with other (usually young) women lamenting their loss of innocence, or the horrible nausea they expect to encounter when they inevitably find some nasty thing on their boyfriend's phone, or when he gruffly tells them, "fine, I'll just delete Instagram then" after being caught leaving lascivious loser comments on cascading bikini photos.

This specific sort of crushing pain, paired with an uncertainty or inability to commit to leaving their stinky partners, makes up a sizeable community in the dark shadows of these sad posts, and for some reason, every so often, TikTok funnels me back into the tunnel of sad women and their neglectful, cruel men.

I think I do hover on these, training the algorithm to feed me a few more, because I do want to know, on some level, what's going on with these women. I feel bad for them. I want to wrench them out of the miseries they're stuck in. Like some beautiful firefighter pulling skittish women out of the weird quicksand of duty that they've imprisoned themselves in.

I think maybe it's partly because it seems like a lot of people are pretty mean to women who make excuses for their malingering boyfriends and husbands. I see countless harsh comments on boyfriend complaint posts along the lines of "leave him or leave us out of it"—and this, for me, elicits a dark and dismal feeling. I completely sympathise with those who can't stand to hear another woman's lukewarm defense of an annoying loser, or who have had enough of friends who refuse to accept the most obvious advice in the world when it comes to their stinky man, but to see swathes upon swathes of cutting remarks directed at these women makes me sad.

It's not easy, after all, to accept that the person you love, that you feel a genuine, serious sense of duty towards, needs to be thrown mercilessly off a mental cliff.

And so I've been thinking about what I might tell them, if I could. So, to those stuck women who can't face leaving, here is my advice:

#1: Make Your Life About You

The Metamorphosis of Sleep, by J. J. Grandville (1844).

If you can't bear to leave your man, or you think your life will crumble without him, I think the single most important thing you can do as a first step is to cultivate your own world. Whether it's reading books and keeping a little diary of your thoughts on them, or getting a new, weird hobby entirely, you have got to make a life that is just yours. This is good advice for everyone on Earth. Do things that don't involve your partner. Cultivate singular interests just for yourself. Be selfish with these interests. Make space for your alone time. Learn something that no one else is privy to. Create a shadowy, indulgent version of yourself.

If you have ever wanted to learn more about something, but have never made the effort, do it now in the name of self-actualisation. Learn to drive, or read three Russian history books, or start getting into the Saw movies. Just do something, anything, that can be your thing.

This is the number one building block. You are a person, not one measly half of a couple. Build yourself.

#2: Fantasise, Deeply

Melancholia, by Hans Sebald Beham (1539).

When I was a kid, I would imagine vivid scenarios before bed. Adventures, hopping into a TV show, being the ruler of a medieval land, or just having a fun social time with friends. Sometimes they would be achievement-based, like finishing a novel and becoming a bestselling author. At some point, I mostly stopped doing this, but I suppose I have, to some extent, transferred it into more genuinely achievable goals that I don't have to incorporate into a dream world.

Nevertheless, I think it's good to fantasise. I think it's great to let yourself live in a world of pure desire. I mean, literally, you can imagine all the things you might enjoy from some better boyfriend, and this can fuel you and turn around your head until you feel ready to get the hell out of there. Or, you can imagine some fun things you might really enjoy alone, or in some distant alternate universe. Indulging in this sort of thing can go a long way in figuring out what you really yearn for in life, and it can also be a nice relaxation tool for getting to sleep. 

Occasionally, I still lock in to some lofty fantasy like this before going to sleep. Perhaps I am a baker and the whole town loves my bread. Something just feels nice about that. I could be a million different variations of myself. Anything could happen.

#3: Keep a Diary

Phillis Wheatley, by Scipio Moorhead (1773).

This is not a groundbreaking suggestion, but keeping a diary can be pretty great for just getting thoughts out of your head and into some concrete, organised space. You might not want to keep a diary of nasty, whinging complaints—especially if you're worried someone might read and discover all your horrible thoughts—but it really can't be overstated how much writing out your thoughts can help you think.

Sometimes I make a new document and just let every evil little thought out. I find that a digital diary can be more freeing than a physical one, and there can be something more satisfying about typing if you're angry, or irritated, or sad. And y'know, you can always delete it later if secrecy is of the utmost concern. Write about how much horrible suffering your boyfriend puts you through. Write out all of the justifications you make for his behaviour. Maybe you'll read it back a few days later and see it all with remarkable clarity.

With a diary, you can look upon the version of you that wrote a past entry as a separate person, and that way, you might find some compassion for, or understanding of, yourself that you couldn't quite access before.

***

I don't know if this post will find anyone it can be helpful to, but I think a good amount about the best ways to 'deal with life', and since everyone comes up against things that aren't easy in their own emotional world, maybe some of these ideas will click. Ultimately, it's also important to treat yourself with understanding. Our feelings and reactions themselves are often embarrassing, but that's just how it goes sometimes. You're not an idiot for wanting to stay with someone who hurts you. In fact, tap into that want. Your sense of desire is something to pay attention to, ideally without moralising, no matter how stupid or selfish it might feel in the moment.

The thing is, you don't need to swallow your pain. If it's there, it's real, and it means something is wrong. I wish all of these sad women could hear and know that they are not alone, and that they don't deserve to feel this way, and that one day, when they're ready, they can choose themselves. And it won't be too late.